I am afraid of the unknown.
I like to have a plan for whatever could happen and be in control of as many situations as possible.
Have you ever felt this way? When something comes up, say a decision or conflict, I like to run all the scenarios in my head to prepare myself for how I would react and respond to said situation or conflict.
The ocean is one of these unknowns. Let me paint you a picture.
Imagine looking into a huge tank of ocean water and around this tank is a walking path so you can walk around the water. Starting at the top, the water appears clear where you can see right through it and the further you walk around the water, the color of the water becomes a dark blue and it gets harder to see.
I think of the ocean like a self. There are things that are clear and apparent to everyone and the deeper you get into knowing a person, the darker the water becomes. Where it’s not as clear to see. This is where trust and vulnerability comes in.
The deeper you venture into someone’s life, the more trust you have to have that you’re a) not going to drown and b) you’re bound to find something beautiful that you couldn’t see before.
The beauty can be many things. One of them is vulnerability. When you have trust in a person and open up to them about something on your heart, there’s an instant connection and bond that you make with that person.
They decide what they do with the information, they decide if they’re going to continue breathing, they decide if they’re going to dive deeper.
It’s not in your control. Let me repeat that. It’s not in your control.
This is what gets me every single time.
I want to be able to control the situation. How someone will react when I confide in them. When I trust them. But I can’t. I can’t.
The ocean is strangely beautiful. It is visited by those searching for peace. It exudes serenity, calm and quiet. Yet the ocean can express the opposite and extreme emotion of fear, power and uncertainty.
This is what I want to embrace. I grew up with the mentality that showing emotion, especially when I was hurt, should not be done. It was suppressed for many years. That changed when I had the opportunity to express a lot of the emotions I had been bottling up inside, in a very healthy way. It was so freeing.
The more I learn about myself, the more I understand how powerful it is to be vulnerable with those you trust. With vulnerability comes not only peace and quiet like the stillness of the ocean, but power and uncertainty like a hurricane. And the more I learn about myself, I realize how afraid I’ve been of knowing me. Afraid of the part that I had hidden from others for so long. The part that I had hidden from myself.
I don’t want to be afraid of the unknown. I want to embrace the peace, calm, power and uncertainty of my life. How I express myself and who I am. I want to dive deeper into the unknown, not only into others lives, but my own. To not freak out when I learn something new about myself, but to be excited about the new discovery (especially if it’s found by someone else). I don’t want to be afraid of myself because this is no way to live!
I am mighty and powerful like the ocean. I am peaceful and quiet like the ocean.
I am the clarity of the surface of the ocean. I am the unknown depths of the ocean.
I am the ocean.