I’m starting to wonder if it’s worth dreaming. To work so hard to get something that you want.
In my short 23 years of life, I’ve had a lot of dreams. Dreams of growing up and being a nurse. Dreams of the boys that I would date. Dreams of being in a band and rocking out every night on tour. Dreams of doing better than I actually did in high school. Dreams of making it big. Dreams of leading a worship band at church. Dreams of owning my own public relations firm. Dreams of getting a job right after graduation. Dreams of changing people’s lives–whatever that entails.
Some of these dreams have come true, which is one of the best feelings in the entire world. But when I look back, my current life is nothing like I dreamed it would be. I’m caught in all this stress of graduation, attempting to find a full-time job, losing good friends, making new friends, balancing two part-time jobs and attempting to stay warm in my small apartment.
My life has been somewhat easy, but when I look back at where I’ve come from I wonder why. Why am I still single? Why is it so hard to keep good friends? Why don’t I have a full-time job right now? Why do I feel to be in a constant power struggle with God about where I’m supposed to be in my life?
I’m sad a lot these days. There’s just so much going on. There’s this storm going on around me and I can’t see through the debris. I can’t see through the black cloud to where the sun in shining. I know it’s there, but I have no reassurance that it is. I have faith because I know God is taking me through this for a reason. I don’t think I’m truly happy, whatever that means. It’s hard to pretend to be happy, when your heart hurts.
I see friends of mine, where it seems like life has been handed to them. Some people call it settling, but they appear to be happy and I wonder when my moment is going to happen.
I have this dream of what I think my life will be like. A life that includes a job that where I’m doing something I not only love, but where I’m using my talents, where I feel appreciated and valued for all that I can offer. Where I finally have someone next to me, fully supporting me in a way I’ve never been supported before. A partner. A best friend. A lover. Where I don’t doubt God as often as I do, because I’ve seen first-handedly what He has done. Where we have this connection that’s a passionate fire that can’t be put out.
But how long do I have to wait for that? How much harder do I have to work for that? I’m tired. I don’t want to settle. I am a life changing woman. My life is extraordinary, but where’s the comfort of that?
Is it realistic to dream? To chase after something that drives you, but there’s the possibility that you’ll never attain it? Is it worth the risk?
Growing up, they said “You can be anything you want!” But is that really true?
There is something inside of me that is in a state of unrest and I think I’m at the point where I’m not sure the feeling will leave. The encouragement from others helps relieve some of the pain, but deep down inside my heart there’s still pain of what I think I’ve lost chasing after this dream. There are so many people that support me. And want the world for me. That believe in me. And I think at this moment, they believe in me more than I believe in myself.
Something needs to happen for that to change. That desire to not give up. That faith that I can have what I’ve worked so hard for. But I’m not sure what that is or what it will take. Another dream?