Feeling it still

Emotions. They’re a powerful thing. Remember last year when I spoke about my superpowers? Well, as of late, I’ve been feeling incredibly human.

Or as I like to tell some of my friends, “I’m feeling all the things right now.”

If I thought before that I was feeling isolated, or that I wasn’t ready for changes coming, or that I was extremely overwhelmed by my work, or that I was still figuring out my place at church, well, it’s just been amplified about what feels like 500%.

There’s a large group of young adults here in Ohio, which is an amazing blessing. Somehow I’ve fallen into this crevasse between the young adults who are my age, but are, for the most part, all married and the young adults who are younger than I am, more recent college graduates and in their first jobs. I can fit in with either group, but I don’t feel like I belong. Maybe I feel it still because I’m a few months away from turning 30, but every weekend the gap just feels larger and larger.

Me, being single, is nothing new here. But what has changed is that some of my closest single friends have moved away. I didn’t realize the hole they would leave until recently. Don’t get me wrong, I can do a lot of life by myself–I am an introvert after all, but it’s in the small moments that we used to share, I feel it all the more. I miss the friend who would just come over to watch the latest crime drama on Netflix. Watching it separately and texting about it later just isn’t the same. Or just someone to grab dinner or ice cream with. Like I said, the little things.

I currently live in increments of two weeks of pure insanity when it comes to work. The projects keep coming, the balancing of everything feels like I’m constantly dropping something, we’ve moved to a new office space and had to have minor renovations take place, and I’m still figuring out what our new normal of an office of two people looks like in one of the busiest seasons in our work cycle. I’m learning how to delegate work that I used to do to new vendors, I’m still learning to manage a workload of an office of what I thought would be three people versus the reality of an office of two. I constantly have internal battles about whether I’m being innovative enough or that we just need to take time to maintain what we’re currently doing.

I’ve been putting more work into our Friday night service, Ascent, at church. It’s been a lot of work and it’s been incredibly rewarding. I was also ordained as an elder, which to me was a really big deal, especially with how my relationship with the church has been over the last year. My church is recognizing my leadership and giving me a platform to lead even more so now. But none of my close friends, minus two, or my family (they tuned in online) were there to witness it and I felt that. Now there’s a little bit more responsibility, and when everything lands on the same weekend, it can be overwhelming.

This last Friday night, I think everything just hit at once. I had a good cry, listened to some of my vinyl and went to bed. It was healing for me to just feel the weight of those emotions. It’s not like I’ve kept any of that to myself. I’ve had multiple conversations with people about where I’m at. But I posted “It’s okay not to be okay” on Instagram. It wasn’t looking for attention. I just had a thought, that if I was feeling this way, maybe someone else needed to hear that it’s okay to feel whatever IT is, still.

I saw this Facebook post on Sunday and I loved the message of it.

I’ve learned that sometimes I have to sit in what I’m feeling. To actually take time to process what I’m feeling. I’m a better person when I can do that. I’m a better friend, sister, daughter, etc, when I can be honest with where I am emotionally. Emotions are powerful. Even Jesus wept.

Over the years, I’ve learned to how to not explode with my emotions, believe me, it’s taken some time. That doesn’t mean I’m stuffing them down. It just means that I’m hyper aware of my emotions. It’s my responsibility, then, what my actions are based on what/how I’m feeling.

If there’s anything I hope to convey to communicating where I am in feeling a lot, still, is that emotions are powerful. They don’t have to dictate so much of your life. Do I let that happen sometimes? Absolutely. But as I continue to grow and learn more about myself, the more I can clearly say how something or someone makes me feel. I hope that my honesty can help someone in some way. Don’t be afraid to reach out. There are people in your life that are willing to listen. Just ask them. Don’t expect them to solve anything, but sometimes the most powerful thing is to have a listening ear. And then be that person in return.

Most of all, it’s okay not to be okay. You don’t ever have to be alone in what you’re feeling. And like a favorite band of mine recently sang about, “you’re not alone in this…the best is yet to come!”